The CabbageFilled Adventures of Contessa Rabastan
by Falcitus
Summary: Rabastan Lestrange has found a little door in the Malfoy sunroom! Will Voldemort and his Death Eaters survive the adventure? Resolved with a cheerful Voldemort. Crackfic warning. Random instead of Humor.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. -  
Warnings: Crackfic, high Death Eater content -  
Author's Note: This is a Crackfic and should not be taken seriously. Also, more Random than Humor. -  
A woman walks past, holding her pointed nose in the air. She has dark hair and prominent, heavy-lidded eyes. She looks around herself as if she's looking for something, then moves on at a run. She comes to a bench against the house and sits down, plucking the flowers off the bushes around her. Apparently whatever she was looking for turned up, becuase she looked up. And said, "Hello, Master!" in a particularly annoying tone of voice. -  
Voldemort stared down at her and then apparently reached a decision. "Bella, Contessa Rabastan Lestrange has found a strange little door. He wants all the Death Eaters to go through it, no, don't ask ME why." Bella jumped to her feet. "If you want to go with him, I do, Master!" she screamed happily. "I am going behind the little door, Rabastan or no Rabastan," replied Voldemort. -  
Bellatrix threw down the rose stem she had been carefully shredding. She jumped into Voldemort's arms and became no less enthusiastic when Voldemort pushed her away, grumbling. As they walked towards the small summer house Lucius Malfoy enjoyed sitting inside in the warmer seasons, it became clear that the other Death Eaters had found out on their own. The formerly small group kept growing until Lucius himself marched up to them and asked whether they were planning to destroy his house. -  
After Lucius had been informed of the mission on which they were now going, they reached the summer house fairly rapidly, considering the size of the group. The Lestrange brothers and Avery were already there. Rabastan then proceeded to pull the small door open in a very dramatic way. Rodolphus went in first, due to the fact that (Crackfic) Rodolphus was about 8 feet tall and got in Rabastan's way. Soon after, Rodolphus called for the others to come in. Rabastan walked in enthusiastically. Bellatrix pushed ahead of Avery, Lucius, and even Voldemort. -  
As soon as she was inside the room, it occured to her that it could not be just one room. The other Lestranges were nowhere in sight. She sat down on a cabbage. It wasn't a very comfortable cabbage, but all was cabbage in this room. Quite literally. She watched as Avery walked in and then popped out of sight. She got up and started wandering around the cabbage room. -  
Voldemort walked into the little room, looking peeved. Bellatrix jumped on him, crying, "Master!" in an attempt to sound sweet. And that was how Bellatrix and Voldemort came to walk through the series of strange rooms together. -  
Meanwhile, Contessa Rabastan had found something that was not cabbage in the cabbage room. Well, technically Rodolphus had found it by trying to eat it. However, it was a small green key that seemed to fit between the leaves of an odd, hard cabbage. Rabastan turned it, trying very hard to look tall next to the 3-foot-tall cabbage. The cabbage disappeared and was promptly replaced with a dark hole. Rabastan dropped the key in astonishment and walked through. Rodolphus, on the other hand, had to bang around and rip at other cabbages before he could fit through the hole. Behind the cabbage, there seemed to be a dark tunnel. That was it. Or so it SEEMED. Rabastan screamed as he was thrown into the air. Rodolphus glared stupidly at the Mini-Missile that stood where Rabastan had been before. Then...BOOM! The missile launched them both toward the end of the tunnel, where Rabastan regained his normal form. -  
We return to the misadventures of Voldemort and Bellatrix. Bellatrix had cheated her way past the tunnel by blowing up cabbages and Voldemort was currently wandering around looking for the small door out, which did not exist on the inside. That is, until he was enlightened by a rather peeved Lucius holding the key to the tunnel. It was completely useless except as a souvenir; the door to the tunnel was damaged beyond repair. Voldemort decided that the best way out was to walk straight ahead. And they did. Right into the anti-gravity Mini Missile tunnel. However, the only effect this time was that Voldemort became about two inches tall and walked rather fast. However, it did get them out. -  
Rabastan was rather surprised to find that three new people had come in and popped out of existence, but he failed to comment. Instead, he looked around and discovered that the room they were now in wasn't a room. It was the Atlantic Ocean. This discovery resulted in many shouts of, "Oh, bugger." Rabastan, however, reasoned that it would not make you sink if you didn't swim. This turned out to be correct until Lucius was eaten by a fish. After that, the ocean did not bother them. -  
However, something else did. Avery had been vaporized by a cabbage. Dolohov had not survived the missile tunnel. Lucius had been eaten by a fish. And they were in Florida. In the Everglades. Voldemort jumped onto a tour boat, followed by Bellatrix and Rabastan. However, Rodolphus was eaten by an Overlarge Alligator. Voldemort prodded the tour guide. "After someone dies in this obstacle course of Malfoy's, a door to the next thing always shows up," said Voldemort. "Now WHERE IS THE DOOR?" The tour guide backed nervously into the corner. Then POP! Voldemort fell through the floor. They were in China. In a bamboo forest. Surrounded by threatening black-and-white bear ninjas. Rabastan shrieked and ran up a tree, but this turned out not to be a good idea. Every single bear growled and ran up after him. Rabastan was not seen again. Voldemort opened a large trapdoor in the one bear that had not moved. -  
They were in a Venetian hotel. Bellatrix started taking down the stones and looking for poles to break. Voldemort dragged her outside. She dragged HIM onto a gondola. And then got up and danced. Voldemort had the sense to get onto a water bus, but it was too late for Bellatrix. She tipped the gondola and drowned. -  
Voldemort, and Barty with him, popped up mysteriously in northern France. Where Barty was attacked by peeved bakers. -  
Voldemort opened his eyes. THAT had probably been the worst dream of his life. But he had second thoughts as he looked around him. No Bellatrix hogging his bed. No Barty curled up on his floor. Rodolphus was not snoring. -  
All in all, it had not been a dream. His Death Eaters had been completely destroyed. All, that is, except one. And Voldemort, with Snape, started an Academy of Death Eater Training. And everyone lived happily ever after, because Voldemort became cheerful. 


End file.
